It’s 4 in the morning on the day before my wedding, and I am awake. Mr. W got up a little while ago unable to sleep, probably so much going through his mind as we prepare for the big day, and accidentally woke me up in the process. Despite taking a Melatonin and trying to tire my eyes out with a little smart phone Internet reading, I am still awake. So I thought, this might be a great time to write down a few of my thoughts just before the Mr and I tie the knot.
I’m not nervous. That’s #1. I remember the days leading up to my first marriage, and how I just felt like I was going with a fast moving train, unable to control it. Back then I naively thought that divorce wasn’t an option, forgetting in the moment that this was a man who used to beat me, and would do it again. On the day of my first wedding as I held onto my dad before he walked me down the aisle, I asked him if he had any advice for me.
“It’s too late for that,” were his exact words.
This time is different. It’s right. I’m driving the train of my life, confident in the route and patient with the stops and starts. At no time have I felt like things are moving too fast or out of control. Not once have I questioned whether I’m making the right decision in marrying Mr. W or not. I knew he was the one before we even started dating, experiencing an electric spark from the first day I laid eyes on him. This is where I’m supposed to be, and it feels like the most natural thing in the world.
We’ve been on a countdown to October 13th for weeks. Last night was our bachelor/bachelorette parties (separate, of course). Both of us opted for something as simple as gathering our closest people and going out to dinner. We didn’t see each other all day long, and spent a few moments late last night reliving the parties to each other before going over the final details of putting together the wedding.
“We’re getting married day after tomorrow!” I gushed, and he grinned into my hair over the excitement of it all.
A few weeks ago, I did feel nervousness – but not over marrying Mr. W. I was nervous about all the little tiny details that still needed to be done to put the finishing touches on our wedding, and I was having a hard time envisioning it to completion. I hyperventilated into the keyboard a few times, writing out my stress here and asking a flurry of wedding-related questions online to a forum of supportive friends. I was every bit the jittery bride to be, nervous that all these details I’ve been painstakingly creating over the past year would end up seeming stupid or not working in the moment it mattered most. I meditated on these little things – the way the songs in each music playlist sounded when played next to each other, if people would understand what was going on at the reception if we had no DJ to announce it, if I chose the right dress to wear, if I made a mistake in my color scheme…
In the midst of my online stress fest, a friend offered me the sage advice someone gave to her just before she married her husband:
“You are going to marry your best friend. Know not everything will go according to plan. At the end of the day if you walk away married, then the day was a complete success.”
A few days later, another friend relayed a dream she’d randomly had about me the night before. She dreamt that it was my wedding morning and I was completely calm and collected. She described how I had done my own hair and make up, met my bridesmaids at the church, and was “the epitome of grace and beauty”.
I meditated on these two sentiments, exchanging my “what if it doesn’t work” for “what is the reason I am doing this”. I focused my energy on remembering that when all is said and done, I’m marrying my best friend. I imagined myself like my friend’s dream – remaining calm and peaceful on my wedding day and in the days leading up to the ceremony.
And a funny thing happened.
All that needed to get done, got done. The days passed quickly until I found myself on wedding week vacation. These past few days have been all about the final details, but mostly about just relaxing and waiting to get married. I’m calm. I feel no stress. And tomorrow, I get to marry my best friend.
(Our flower center pieces, aren’t the pretty?)
I have a bit of an edge over Mr. W. He’s worked all the way up to today while I’ve had several days off to lounge around and check things off my to-do list. Today we set up the church, and he’s likely rolling around all that needs to get done in his mind.
It will all get done.
Tomorrow we’ll have the party of our lives. The next day we leave for a week in Costa Rica. And every day after that I get to spend it with my best friend, my husband.
I’m so excited!