Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘raising teenagers’

writingletter

With a household of young adults aged 15-20, I am in the final years of my hands-on parenting stage, and the empty nest is getting closer and closer. If I think too hard about this fact, I am liable to burst into tears. However, sometimes this revelation is a light in a tunnel of teenage moodiness and rebellion.

Each stage of parenting has both pros and cons, and these later teen years are no exception. I love that my kids are so independent now. I no longer need to coordinate their every move, or ensure they are properly entertained. All of my kids are capable of jumping on a bus or driving a car downtown to go hang out with their friends, and they earn their own money to pay their way for non-essentials. They make many of their own meals and keep track of their own homework. And I thoroughly enjoy conversations with them, because they are at a level where we can discuss things from current events to their natural day-to-day.

However, their growing independence comes with a price. Being so close to total independence, my kids tend to believe they should have the kind of absolute freedom all adults have, even while they are still a dependent in our household. They fight certain rules and obligations, and the power struggle is real. They have reached an age when forcing them to do anything is no longer realistic, and I have to rely heavily on the ideals I’ve raised them with, and hope with all my might that these ideals possess some sort of pull in their current decision making.

There are many times when I feel like just throwing my hands up in the air, and maybe even giving them the house while I move to some deserted island. But just when I have reached my breaking point with these rebellious, stubborn teens, they do something to remind me that they are really just brilliant human beings that I cherish more than anything, and they are only testing their wings before they are ready to fly.

I came across an article I wrote when my daughter was 13. In it, I was going through an especially difficult time with her, and I was frustrated with how far our relationship had fallen in such a short amount of time. But then I put myself in her shoes, remembering what it was like when I was 13 years old. I ended up writing a letter to my 13-year-old self, telling my younger self all the things I would have loved to have known back then. You can read that letter here.

My daughter is now nearing her high school graduation, my son is finishing his first year of high school, and my stepson is figuring out his career goals after college. It’s so easy to place my adult ideals on their day-to-day actions, and grow frustrated when they don’t do things the way I would do them. However, if I look back at the person I was at their age, and remember what it was like as an older teen getting ready to leave the nest, I gain a bit of perspective about their role in life.

I also remember all the things I grappled with at their age.

So in favor of understanding my teens a bit better, I took a stroll down memory lane and wrote a new letter to myself from way back when. Here’s what I came up with:

Dear 18-year-old Crissi,

At this moment, you are preparing for high school prom, graduation, and the moment when you can pack your bags and leave your over-controlling parents and all of their ridiculous rules. I get it. You can’t wait for your freedom. These are exciting times. However, as your 38-year-old self, I feel it my duty to share a few things I’ve learned about us in the past 20 years. I hope you will take some of these things in consideration.

1. If you are given the choice between moving in with that exciting bad boy or getting a college education, CHOOSE EDUCATION. Trust me on this, it’s going to save you a lot of headaches. That being said, I know you’re not going to listen to me. See #8.

2. Smoking does not make you look cool. Just stop.

3. Pay attention to who your real friends are, and stop wishing you were hanging out with the “cool kids.” Years from now, those cool kids won’t even know who you are. But your real friends? They’ll still care for you 20 years after you graduate.

4. You don’t have to fall in love with every boy who pays attention to you.

5. YOU ARE NOT FAT.

6. Right now, you believe you are completely plain and forgettable. But years from now, you are going to find out from several people that they looked up to you, had a crush on you, or wished they had been better friends with you. You are not as invisible as you think you are. However, the biggest takeaway I want you to gain from this knowledge is that you should really be kinder to yourself. You’re kind of awesome.

7. You will have a daughter JUST LIKE YOU. Sorry. And congratulations.

8. That boy you’re dating is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to you. He is also going to be one of the best. Through him, you get to have two really awesome kids, and you are also going to gain a real life education.

9. You are going to be way too young when you start having kids. You are going to make countless mistakes. However, you will also learn so much as you all grow together. And when they are older, you will get to be the cool, “young” mom, and you will share a unique bond with your kids.

10. You will one day be friends with your parents. Right now, you don’t get why they are so strict, and why there are so many rules. You are even plotting all the ways you will be a much better parent than they are. Trust me, they actually know what they are doing—at least for the most part. One day, you will reach a point in your parenthood when you understand why they did things a certain way, especially when your own kids are being buttheads. You will also have many days when you want to call them and apologize.

If you could have a conversation with your younger self, what would you say?

Read Full Post »

I have a parenting article due tomorrow, and I am strapped for ideas.  They say to write what you know.  But it seems that all my parenting issues are turning into things that are way too personal to include on a page read by thousands.  Sometimes they even feel too personal to leave here, on a page read by maybe 20 – on a good day.

Here’s all that’s going on with us.  Feel free to tune out now because I’m about to go into a very long-winded whine.

My 14 year old daughter’s boyfriend of almost 8 months just moved three hours away.  Before that, she was Miss Manipulator, getting away with doing nothing around the house while she spent every waking moment with her boyfriend.  Now she is battling panic attacks and bouts of sadness as she adjusts to a social life that doesn’t include him, and coping with the fact that she alienated herself from all of her other friends because of her relationship.  In the midst of all this (or perhaps because of it), she’s revisiting the idea of moving back in with her dad, a guy who I honestly could never allow raise our kids – especially when I found out that he’s received a restraining order from his current girlfriend over abuse.  Hm.  That makes three baby mamas, three cases of abuse, three restraining orders, and three families with kids that he created he can’t see hardly at all and pays dick for.  I could be wrong, but I sense a pattern.

At any rate, DQ called me today to see if she could go back to see her counselor, which I of course said yes to (and yes, to paying more money a week and juggling my work schedule to get her there).  In the meantime, she has become a Jekyll and Hyde of emotions – either totally up and happy, or ready to tear my face off.  It’s anyone’s guess where she’s at in any given moment.

My 11 year old son is back into his videogame addiction.  We are in counseling about it, and the counselor said to give them back and record what happens.  So far it’s been both a blessing and a curse.  I have something to dangle in front of Taz to get him to do what he’s supposed to.  But then he stays on them for hours on end, telling me “5 more minutes” when I say it’s time to get off.  Before I know it, 40 minutes will have passed and he’s still playing, insisting that I told him he could actually finish the match he’s on and it isn’t done yet.  Over the weekend while visiting his dad, he managed to talk his dad into giving him a bunch of money, and then talked his grandpa into taking him to the store so he could buy himself Black Ops 2 – a game I told him we would work towards buying depending on his attitude.  And I feel like a chump, being taken advantage of right and left with absolutely no power as a a parent.

Meanwhile, he argues with me about EVERYTHING.  Literally, everything.  He’s bending rules right and left, and I know he’s testing the waters to see if I’ll follow through on punishment.   But when I do, he loses his marbles and just totally goes off the deep end.  It’s exhausting!  I just want to take everything he owns, put it all in a pile, and set it all on fire.  That would seriously make me feel better.

I get along with my 17 year old stepson, but I admit that I breathe a ton easier when it’s time for him to go to his mom’s house because it means there is one less kid in the house.  Frizz has these weird quirks that I’m not sure how to deal with, like being ultra paranoid about everything.  His latest is going for runs late at night, and then giving us a full run down on the strange cars that are following him or casing the neighborhood.  It reminds me of my ex, and how he is sure that the government is watching his every move, and how Obama is the antichrist.  The paranoia bugs the shit out of me.

And last on my list of things I’m groaning about?  Money.  We just had a wedding, Christmas is around the corner, my daughter’s camp fees are due this week, and I’ve already spent the paycheck I’m getting in three days.  I was promised a raise that was supposed to take effect with the paycheck that’s coming this week.  And then the raise was lowered substantially.  And then I was told it’s actually not taking effect until the next paycheck – you know, the one I get when I’m supposed to be done with my Christmas shopping.  And I’m stuck between feeling grateful that I am even getting a raise (I totally am), and completely pissed off because it was supposed to save my ass this month.

Plus I think I’m PMSing.  Hence the reason that everyone sucks.

And I still need to write that damn parenting article.  Too bad I can’t just turn this whine of a blog in.  At any rate, thanks for listening.  I think I just needed to vent.

Read Full Post »