Tag Archives: Marriage

12 ways we keep our blended family marriage strong

My husband and I dated for a few years before we got married, living in separate households and reveling in the excitement of coming together every weekend. We’d both been married before, and were now living as divorced single parents. I longed for the time when we could finally blend our households and things could become much simpler.

Boy, was I in for a rude awakening. Things were bumpy when we finally did move in together, mostly because blending a family is hard work. But the other hard part was learning how to work together as a team in every decision when both of us were so used to being independent.

Marriage only made this worse.

Our first year of marriage was really rough. I loved being married to Shawn, but I also recall the many fights we had, the loneliness I felt as I clung to stubbornness, the continued struggle of being two different families in one house, and the daily realizations over how different we were in so many areas.

Things finally did settle down, and our family has learned how to come together in many ways. We still have differences, as many families do, but mostly, we’ve learned which battles are worth fighting and which ones aren’t. I won’t pretend we’re perfect — we’re not. But the place we are now is paradise compared to the darkness we experienced in the beginning.

The biggest reason, I believe, things are much better is because Shawn and I have come together as a solid team through all of this. Every year I’m amazed at how much more I love him than the year before, and how there’s still so much we get to learn about each other. He’s my biggest champion, and I’m his. It makes me excited to see where our marriage will be by year 10, 20, 50 and beyond.

The other day I was thinking about the things that makes our marriage so wonderful, and the following things came to mind:

1. We compliment each other often. When I look in the mirror and am disappointed by what I see, he’s right there behind me to let me know how sexy I look. Just this morning I was bummed out about the number on my scale. He didn’t know this when he asked me to stop what I was doing and take a turn for him. “Damn, I’m a lucky man,” he told me. I know we’re supposed to love ourselves and all, but it sure is helpful when the man I love reminds me every day that he finds me sexy. It goes both ways, too. I think my husband grows more handsome and sexy every day, and I tell him so. It goes beyond looks, too. He’s my biggest cheerleader to the things that mean most to me, helping me to see the positive when I’m stuck in the negative. I tell him how proud I am of him, from the big things to the small. We both try really hard to notice what the other person is doing, and acknowledge those things with words of affirmations.

2. We respect each other’s seasons. Let’s just get right to the point: sometimes I’m not in the mood to have sexy time, especially at the end of my cycle. There’s a particular week when there is nothing he can do to awaken the sleeping dragon. What I love about my husband is that he understands this and is completely respectful about it. However, it would be completely selfish of me to let this mood control our sex life. There has to be a give and take when it comes to sex. Sometimes I fight through my “don’t touch me” feelings for his benefit. And vice versa, when I’m in the zone and he’s not, he’ll make sure I’m taken care of. The benefit? More times than not we’re in the same space, and I firmly believe it’s because we understand the give and take, and respect each other’s moods.

3. We spice things up. Right now, our lives involve a very busy household, teenagers, hectic jobs, and we just moved his mother into our home. All of that is a combination for passionless nights as we collapse into bed so we can do it all again the next day…even with everything I mentioned in #2. Luckily, that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I won’t divulge our secrets here, but if things are feeling fairly routine between the sheets, perhaps it’s time to get a little creative. Is there something you’ve wanted to try, but haven’t because it feels a bit too naughty? Maybe it’s time you let down some of your guard. You might be surprised at what happens. 😉

4. We plan for uninterrupted time daily (even if it’s just 10 minutes). Our lives have only gotten busier since our earlier days. Two out of three of our blended kids are in college, plus I started college two years ago. We both have demanding jobs. Plus, we’re caretaking for his mother. Life is crazy busy. There are some days I only see him in the morning while I’m getting ready for work, and in the evening when we go to bed. Still, we make it a point to ask about the other person’s day, and then LISTEN, phones away, completely focused. This is one of my favorite things about our marriage, that we still have so much to share with each other every day, and this uninterrupted time becomes some of our best conversations.

5. We support each other as much as possible. Shawn is a gardener. I am not. But I love the outcome of his efforts when we have fresh tomatoes in the summer. Usually, he’s the one out there watering. But (when I remember) I’ll go out and water, too, simply so he doesn’t have to. I wanted a dog. Shawn did not. Guess what? We have a dog. And despite his repeated insistence that he never wanted a dog, he still takes the dog for walks regularly. We’re both writers, and we are each other’s first readers. We attend events that are important to the other person, even if they’re not our personal cup of tea. We only talk kindly about each other to others, never slamming the other person (how many times have you been uncomfortable around other couples who do the opposite?). We build each other up and cheer each other on. I can truly say Shawn is my best friend, and he says that about me, and it’s because we truly support each other.

6. We put ourselves in the other person’s shoes. One of the secrets to our happy marriage is our level of empathy. I’m not going to lie, we still have our fair share of fights. But these fights never last long. One of the reasons is because we have a high level of empathy for the other person, willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This isn’t easy, admittedly. However, we both know each other’s true nature. When I’m mad at Shawn, I also know he’s not a bad person. I know his reasoning isn’t to be malicious, but because he has his own reasons for acting a certain way. I try to see what that reasoning is, and if there is something I should bend on. Shawn is the same way. Even more important, he knows how to say he’s sorry when he’s wrong, and has been a great model for me so that I can learn to do that, too. And man, is that hard!

7. We recognize each other’s strengths, and remind each other of them. I’m the worst when it comes to knowing what I’m good at. I’m really hard on myself. That’s why it means so much to me when Shawn stops everything and tells me all the things that are special about me. I need to hear this, because I forget. In the same way, I often tell Shawn what I admire about him: his confidence, his way with words, how he carries himself, how personable he is, how much people appreciate his wisdom.

8. We date each other. If I had my way, Shawn and I would go on a date at least once a week, if not more. However, we live in the real world, and that is rarely possible. We do make time for each other regularly, though. This could be a movies date, or time at a coffee shop, or even, and I’m not even joking, a Costco shopping trip. It’s mostly about the time together without anyone else so that we can talk and have fun together. It keeps our friendship alive in our marriage.

9. We are social together. There’s something so romantic about being with Shawn among a group of friends, from quiet dinners to group outings, laughing with friends and having him close to me as we experience the same thing. I always feel so proud of him when we’re out together, and we often come home feeling closer than ever before.

10. We’re social apart. We don’t have all the same friends or interests, and that’s completely okay. I love that Shawn has no issue whatsoever when I enjoy time with my girlfriends or some solitude time away from him and everyone else. Likewise, I don’t have a problem with him going to the ball game or the movies with his friends while I stay at home. We both enjoy a healthy amount of time away from each other and by ourselves, which makes our together time that much more special.

11. We work as a team. Earlier this year, Shawn’s mom moved in with us. This change in our household held all the promises of stress on our marriage, and yet, I’ve never felt closer to him. We have divided the duties, trying to avoid burnout. We are talking so much more about real feelings through this, being open and honest, even about the hard stuff. We give each other breaks. We build each other up. We do every single thing on this list. I can honestly say that his mother moving in has brought us so much closer, which, seriously, astounds me.

12. Our shared faith is at the center of our marriage. I recognize not every married couple is lucky enough to share the same faith. I feel fortunate that Shawn and I do. I’ve been in relationships where the faith is different, whether because someone didn’t have faith or we shared completely different faith altogether, and it was HARD. I won’t say it’s impossible, but it definitely takes work to be in a loving, committed marriage, and share vastly different ideas about God and what that means for humanity. So in that, I feel very fortunate that God is our partner in our marriage, that we both view God through loving eyes, we see our duty as to love all people, and we do all this together.

What works for you and your spouse in your marriage?

Taking a marriage hiatus

A few weeks ago, I was in a bad place. My mood was totally foul, my patience thin, and everyone was in my way. At the time, I knew that there were several culprits to blame for my negativity.

I was feeling pulled in all direction on how to go about marketing my book while writing my new one.

I only wanted to be writing. Period.

I was having mixed emotions about some work stuff.

It was probably that time of the month.

I was restless.

At the brunt of my irritability was my husband, who (bless him) was completely patient and kind with me as I went through being a complete pain in the ass. The kids got it too, don’t get me wrong. But I definitely inflicted most of my grumpiness to him.  And because I was in such a horrible state, I made an even more horrible decision.

I went on a marriage hiatus.

Okay, so I didn’t actually stray from the marriage (nor would I ever!). But I did totally tune out. My biggest accomplice to this was my iPhone, the nifty little pocket-sized computer that allowed me to check up on Facebook for hours on end, check how many sales I wasn’t getting, read the millions of Tweets on my Twitter feed, play a bit of Bejeweled….escape from where I was and ignore everyone around me.

I knew it was a problem. I knew I was only making it worse. All the things I was stressing about weren’t getting done because I was so wrapped up in social media and dumb internet distractions. And I was totally blocking everyone around me from getting close to me….and me from getting close to them.

Fast forward, and my daughter and I spent a week at camp (annual camp post coming soon, I promise!). There is no internet at camp, and only enough phone reception for a strategically placed text. A week away from my phone, and my head started getting clearer. I was able to talk to people without my words fumbling around in my mouth. I felt…smart.

You guys, my smart phone had actually been making me dumb!

I got back home, and everything was different. It could have been the time apart that made that next week one of the best weeks of our marriage (wink wink). But I truly believe it’s because I had relearned to put the phone down and have a conversation (among other things) with him again.

One more week, and we were camping – sans iPhones again. We not only stayed connected, but my head has remained clear for weeks. There’s no throbbing blockage in there, no loss for words, no wall that’s keeping me from my creativity. And Mr. W and I? We’re like newlyweds all over again. 😉

I’ve been contemplating giving up the iPhone altogether. Right now, that still seems like such a scary thought. I mean, I do everything from that phone! But it’s also holding me back – a lot. However, it’s something to think about until my contract expires. When that happens, maybe I’ll go for a dumb phone, and just choose to BE smart instead.

Anyone out there NOT using a smart phone?

P.S. Exciting book news to share with you, and it has to do with this blog!  The first in a series of eBooks based on the posts in this blog are being published THIS SATURDAY! This first book will focus on the earlier days of my single parenting adventure, and includes that first year of my relationship with Mr. W – way before I knew I’d be Mrs. W (yeah, who am I kidding? I think I always knew. 😉  )  Check out the details HERE.

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What I bring to the table.


“Your writing is so amazing,” Shawn told me, coming downstairs after spending an hour with the rough draft of my novel he’s been proofreading for the past several days. “I can see that you’ve taken some of the suggestions I’ve given you and grown as a writer.”

He meant it as a compliment. And I swear I heard it in there. But what I also heard was, “I’m glad I happened to come along and save you from a doomed life of writing badly. How would you have every survived if I weren’t here to hold you up?”

“I haven’t even read the revisions from the last novel,” I told him. Well, that was only partially true. Admittedly, this was at the same time I was revising a novel I wrote last year, reading over the notes he had made in the margin on parts that needed a little more help. While I hadn’t taken the time to pore over the suggestions he had left me, I had skimmed through it and appreciated the honest remarks he had left, both exclaiming over the parts he loved and suggesting places that needed a little more fleshing out. And now as I went through the physical act of revising, his notes gave me clear-cut clues on what a reader would be wondering as well.

But still, my pride wouldn’t let him take credit for all I had pored into it.

“What do you mean?” he asked. I could already feel the half-eaten foot in my mouth swelling to try and prevent me from speaking. But I only pushed it aside and continued.

“I mean, I’ve grown as a writer because of continued practice, not because you’ve taught me how to do it,” I said, trying to sound light but feeling backed into a corner.

“I’m not trying to take credit for your writing,” he told me. The smile on his face had long since disappeared, leaving behind a look of bewilderment at a reaction he hadn’t been expecting.

“I know, I’m sorry. It’s just, what if I were to say ‘Great job on selling search engine optimization at your new job. Thank goodness you have me to teach you all about the internet so you can do your job properly’.”

“I’m not saying that, though,” he stammered. “I’m trying to pay you a compliment! Maybe I should just stop reading your novel.”

“If you don’t want to read it, then don’t!” I yelled at him.

And just like that, things went from dumb to completely idiotic.

I didn’t know why I was reacting so strongly. Of course he wasn’t taking credit for my writing. I knew that deep down. But for some reason his statement was pecking at me, taking away from my accomplishment even when that wasn’t Shawn’s intention at all.

When we had cooled down some, we gave each other a wounded offering of apology. I’m not sure either of us meant it completely, both still smarting from the earlier argument. But it was the only way to move past the surface and dig deep into what was really going on.

“What is going on?” he asked me.

“I don’t know,” I told him.  But it was starting to come to me, a series of past hurdles I’d overcome that decided I wasn’t done running from them yet.

“I once dated a man who told me to my face that he had saved me from being a white trash nobody, how he had single-handedly raised my standard of living just by his presence alone,” I admitted to him, detailing how even then that statement hadn’t sat well with me, yet my meek little self had accepted it in the moment. I described how my ex-husband had also placed himself in this pedestal position – or rather, I had placed him there on my own. I had spent so many years building him up and letting him shine that I had forgotten to work on my own being. And somehow I was able to explain something I hadn’t even realized was haunting me, how important it was for me now to stand on my own two feet in recognition of my accomplishments.

“You’re organized and responsible,” I told him. It was in reference to a statement he had made earlier last week, stating that he must be rubbing off on me as I encouraged the kids to clean up their mess. “But I have some of those traits as well, and I had them before I even met you.” I was firm in my insistence of this, but we both could hear the question that lingered within it.

“Are you unsure of what you bring to the table in this marriage, how you help ME to be a better person?” he asked me. I paused, suddenly realizing I didn’t know the answer to this question, at least not in this moment. I had spent so much energy fighting against another pedestal that  I couldn’t think of any of the strengths I possessed that helped bring Shawn up.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I guess I help you with patience, and how to parent a teenage daughter.” The answer was weak, I knew it.

Unfortunately time was not on our side. We were minutes away from needing to get in the car and drive to my parents’ house for dinner. We made peace with the conclusion of our discussion, deciding that even if the conversation wasn’t finished, we could still end it with a hug and a mutual unspoken agreement that it was over.

We spent a really good evening at my parents’ house, visiting with my family over dinner and dessert before saying goodbye and driving back home. On the way, Frizz turned on the radio and let it scan through the stations. Every time it landed on a song we knew, the kids and I would break into song and fill the car with mostly on-key versions, belting out the words we knew and stumbling over the ones we didn’t. Even Frizz joined in, the act of singing in the privacy of our car still cool in his 17-year-old mind.

Once home, I began to decorate the Christmas tree, a task we had been putting off for days. Little by little, everyone joined in, placing their favorite ornament on the tree as we remembered where each one came from. It was done in no time, slightly lopsided in the areas that were decorated more than others, but beautiful just the same.

DQ and I then set to filling out December’s activities on the dry erase calendar that hung on the wall. We took turns giggling as we noted the End of the World with a zombie apocalypse on December 21st, adorning it with pictures of hungry zombies that invaded the day’s space. We continued our giggles as I noted the San Francisco trip we were taking the very next day when we ultimately survived the day of doom. I finished up the calendar with various doodles depicting a month of activities in a colorful display.





Shawn leaned over me in my dedication to the calendar, kissing me lightly on the neck. “Do you know what you bring to this marriage, and to the family?” he asked me. “Fun.  You help me to be more fun, and you make things more fun in this family.  I never would do stuff like this.  But you do, and we all appreciate it.

The whole family was in the living room, enjoying a few last moments of silliness before bedtime.  The evening had been spent with mostly smiles.   The calendar had become a monthly point of anticipation as everyone wondered how I would decorate it at the turn of the month.

And I believed in what Shawn said.

I know I have improved in every facet of my life by the steps I have taken to get to where I am today. This is true in the quality of my life, just as it is true in the skills I possess in my writing. But these accomplishments didn’t just manifest entirely of their own accord. They were inspired partially by those that influenced me along the way. Each novel I have written in the past few years has proven to be better than the last, proof that practice makes perfect. But admittedly, this last novel improved leaps and bounds as I (ok, I admit it) took the suggestions Shawn had made and kept them in mind as I extended my description and prose. It’s ok to be inspired by others. In fact, it would be a lie to believe otherwise.

And it doesn’t make my accomplishments any less great than they are. 🙂

Dating your spouse

This article will publish in the Press Democrat on Friday, September 21.

In a few weeks I will be getting married to Mr. W. The last year of our engagement has passed rapidly, but the last few months have been a whirlwind as we’ve crossed things off our list of things to do before the big day. I’ve had to shut down my social calendar in favor of freeing up my time, and have learned the fine art of saying “no” to obligations that might take me away from all I need to do. It’s been a very busy season for both Mr. W and me!

One of our to-dos was to attend premarital counseling with our pastor before he performs our ceremony. During our final session, the pastor asked us a very pointed question.

“What do you two like to do together?”

Here we were, planning our wedding and a lifetime together, and I was totally stumped for an answer. Needless to say, I was pretty embarrassed. Eventually I was able to think of a few things we’d enjoyed over the years we’d been dating. But the truth was, in the last year we’d been so consumed with conserving money (weddings are expensive!) and utilizing free time to plan the celebration that we had forgotten to schedule in time to reconnect and build our relationship – just the two of us away from the kids and all wedding commitments.

Remember the beginning of your own relationship? If you’re like Mr. W and me, you spent the majority of your time with this other person, discovering new things about each other while finding out all the interests you shared together. You made time for each other, moving things aside to make your other half your highest priority. It’s probably safe to say that you focused on little else than each other in those early days.

Of course, relationships can’t continue in this red-hot, passionate, can’t-get-enough-of-each-other phase forever. There’s a career to tend to, friends you don’t want to lose, and interests you both have that are separate from each other.

And then there are kids who enter the picture and have this tendency to make everything about them. Am I right?

As life adds many chapters to your already busy life, it’s so easy to take your spouse for granted. After all, it’s not like you don’t see them every day. But, as my pastor reminded us in our counseling session, it’s just as important now to date your spouse as it was when everything was fresh and new. It helps to build that connection the two of you have, the one you started way back when you signed up for this life together. Getting to know each other again can even help to repair any of the broken steps you may have swept aside along the way.

However, money and time aren’t exactly falling out of thin air these days. So here are some inexpensive, no-excuses tips for enjoying some one-on-one time with your spouse.

Swap or share babysitting with a friend. One of the main reasons couples don’t go out after kids is the high cost of babysitting. Some date nights can cost an extra $40 on top of going out to dinner and a movie. But if you share a babysitter with another couple before heading out on a double date, the cost can be cut in half. Another option is for your friends to watch your children in exchange for babysitting their children on a different night out. Third option, and my all-time favorite standby is to package watching your kids to your own parents as some all-important bonding time with their grandkids. For added measure, point out they can undo all the ways you’ve screwed them up in your failed parenting skills.

Go on a cheap date. Going out doesn’t mean you have to spend tons of money to have a great time. Eat dinner at home before checking out what’s playing in the movie theaters. Enjoy a play at one of our local theaters. Consider a lunch time date when prices for food are usually a bit lower than they are at night. Even simply going out to coffee sans kids can be a great way to catch up. Free dates can include perusing the bookstore together or enjoying a hike in your favorite state park. And don’t underestimate the date that includes a little community service. Bagging groceries at the food bank or participating in a beach clean-up day is not only time well spent together, but doubles your warmed heart efforts as you do good for others.

Enjoy a night in. One of my favorite suggestions I’ve some across for dating while the kids are young is to date after they go to bed. Once they’re tucked in, enjoy a candlelit dinner with your sweetheart followed by a cozy evening of movies under a blanket on the couch. A tip for timing is to prepare most of the dinner ahead of time. Prep it to go in the oven while you’re tucking the kids in, or have it already cooked and ready to reheat once their heads hit the pillow. Share a glass of wine or your favorite sparkling cider over unhurried conversation. And before you start the movie and snuggle up, you may want to ensure they’re really asleep. After all, you never know what might happen during all this free time together (wink wink).

Most important – make sure your time together allows for communication. Uninterrupted talking time without kids and other concerns barging in can be rare. So take advantage of this prime time of conversation by turning off the cell phone in favor of talking, listening, and staying connected with your partner in crime.

Being sexy, raising kids

Keeping the romance alive in your marriage is difficult when you’re raising children.  At times, it can be an almost romance killer.  This only makes it that much more important when you become a parent to continue working at romance to keep the love alive and steamy hot….even when it feels like you have to go to extraordinary lengths to get there.

How do YOU keep the romance alive when little ones are underfoot?

Peg Melnik and Leslie Kaplan, authors of Make Love Whenever Possible When Married With Children, are advocates of keeping romance a huge part of marriage while raising children.  Their book is dedicated to little ways you can seduce your spouse, and feel sexy while doing it.  Today I am turning my blog over to them with a story shared about a recent escape from parenthood to a day of pure romance.

The Make Love Mindset

by Peg Melnik & Leslie Kaplan

We are drinking Bloody Marys at high noon and my husband is romancing me with music.

Clearly this is not your typical Thursday. We are in Pismo Beach celebrating our anniversary and we’re listening to “I Can See Clearly Now” with Johnny Nash reaching for the high notes.

Stealing away like this was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. I had to make seven calls to set up kid coverage, another two to get a dog sitter, and three emails just to make sure my garden wouldn’t turn into potpourri while we’re gone.

Getting away takes stamina, persistence, an indomitable spirit.

It feels cruel to leave babies because the umbilical cord is never truly cut until they’re five-plus. And yet, babies do survive at home even when we aren’t the primary caregiver 24/7.

One tip: An antidote for guilt is a stiff drink.

Soon I am feeling at ease, relaxed, decidedly off duty.

We listen to “Every Step You Take” by the Police and it takes me back to the time that I first realized I was in love with this man. I was driving home after spending the night with him and I had a frank talk with myself. “He’s the guy. He’s the one.” Amazing. Time travel is possible if you have the right music.

I decide I never want to have my husband stop romancing me with music – even when we go back to the loud house. What to do?
Maybe we could listen to music when we sit outside every night for a glass of wine.

It’s true. We can’t drink Bloody Marys at high noon every day, but there is hope in that crazy-making house. We still can try to romance each other with music on vacation-less days.

To learn tips and read inspirational stories on keeping the romance alive in a marriage with kids, visit Peg and Leslie’s website at www.newmarriagesecrets.com.

Post-divorce families

‘He is eating to fill the hole in his life you created when you left him fatherless (except for two weeks a year).’

This was only part of the comment that sat in my inbox all night long regarding a blog that had nothing to do with divorce. And while the comment was completely off-base in what they considered the gospel truth (my kids being fatherless, only seeing their dad two weeks out of the year, screwed up family life…), I found issue with it – that someone would look at the tiny window I have posted about my life and make such an unfair judgment of it. I considered deleting the comment, but then I decided it was better not to. And I thought that maybe this was a good time to say a thing or two about marriage, and about divorce.

A marriage is meant to unite two people for life. It’s something that must be worked at every single day with all your heart to ensure that it stays strong. It’s not a covenant made with the stipulation that if things don’t work out, you can just break it. It’s a promise that two people make when they have found their future in another person. And it’s what those same two people count on as they create a life together, create children together, plan a future together. So when the cookie cutter dream of growing old together doesn’t work out as planned, the result is something more than painful. No one goes into marriage planning their demise (and if they are, maybe the marriage should be seriously thought through some more). But life happens. People change. Situations arise.

Thing is, I get what the poster is saying about divorce. I am also of the belief that if divorce can be avoided, it should. But sometimes divorce is the answer, and there is no way around it. Sometimes things are so toxic that to NOT divorce would be cruel to not only the parents, but to the kids as well. If I’d done things over again, I never would have allowed divorce to be a part of my life. Divorce was, hands down, the worst thing that ever happened to me – and I’ve gone through some pretty traumatic experiences. But the only way I could have avoided divorcing was by never meeting my ex in the first place. And that would mean there would be no DQ, and there would be no Taz.

My kids’ dad and I were never what you would consider compatible. We, in all honesty, should never have married. But we were young and in love. And a year and a half into our relationship, we were pregnant. When DQ was 18 months old, we married in a beautiful and quiet ceremony in my parents’ backyard. 18 more months, and DQ was a big sister. And a year later, we were pregnant with our third. But that pregnancy ended 7 months in. We, for the first time, came face to face with mortality as we picked up the pieces of our lives after our son’s stillbirth.

We didn’t handle it well.

There are too many other personal events that happened in our relationship before and during our marriage that I will fail in mentioning out of respect for my family and my ex. The stillbirth was only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the demise of our marriage. The simple truth is, we became toxic. And our home was no place to raise a healthy family. And so we ended our marriage, and went through the very long process of putting our lives back together.

Let me tell you what happens when you get a divorce. Your souls, that were intertwined when you made that covenant together, are ripped apart. Unlike a clean cut, it is a jagged edge. Some pieces of their soul still reside with yours, and some pieces of your soul still reside with theirs. It is so much more than the dividing of property, money, and time with the children. It is setting fire to all your hopes and dreams that were once a for sure thing, and watching it go up in smoke. Mourning a divorce is much like mourning the death of a loved one. And that is exactly what is happening. That person, whose eyes you saw your whole life in, has died. And the person that is left is someone strange who you just don’t know anymore. They look different. They sound different. They even smell different.

The person you loved is gone.

And once the smoke settles and all is said and done, a divorced person must pick themselves up and get on with their lives. Life doesn’t end with divorce, even when it feels like it. For some people it’s a stop on the path they are traveling. For a few, it’s a fork in the road. And for others, like me, it’s when the journey truly begins.

And what about the kids? I can’t speak for everyone’s children regarding divorce. I can only speak for mine. And in the beginning stages of the divorce, my kids were understandably devastated. Regardless of what our family life looked like, it’s what they knew. They loved (love) their dad. And they loved (love) me. And they wanted all of us in one house under one roof creating one life together. And if we had done that, my kids would have used our poisonous marriage as a model for their own relationships. They would have taken on the venomous way that we spoke to each other. Their future would have been bleak as they absorbed the ghosts of mine and their dad’s downfalls.

But what about today? Today, having two single parent homes is a way of life for the kids, their reality. And they accept it because it has become their norm. Today my ex and I are able to carry a conversation. We are able to discuss different things regarding parenting our children. We are able to team up when something is going on with either of the kids, and talk about it with them together. This last year my kids were with their father every single weekend. And during the summer they were with him just about every other week. He was there at many of our son’s baseball games, and will be there for many of our daughter’s soccer games this fall. Are things perfect? No. There are times when bitterness rises up in either one of us. But do we yell at each other or talk poorly about each other to our kids? Absolutely not. After 6 years of being divorced, both of us have matured enough to honor the relationship our kids have with the other parent. And I can honestly say that we promote that wholeheartedly. 

And finally, dating after divorce – ‘I will bet if you offer him this “i’ll give up dating and only focus on you untill your 18.” You may find he would be willing to exercise more and might be able to give up eating to fill a hole in his life for love.’ (from said blog) There are so many different aspects to post-divorce dating that I couldn’t possibly do it justice in one paragraph. Would the kids be better off if their mom or dad never dated again after divorce? Sure. Then they don’t have to deal with change, or another person entering the family dynamic. Of course, they would also be happy if you never had any kids after them, never moved to a different house or had them change schools, they never went through puberty, and the weather always stayed perfectly spring-like every single day. But life happens. And so does change. And kids are much more resilient than us stubborn old adults are. And while some people do choose to wait to date until after their kids have left the house, and my hat goes off to them for making that sacrifice, I just don’t believe that this is required of a parent. We are human. We have needs too. I’m not just talking physical needs, though those are important too. I’m talking the need to have someone accountable to every single day of our life. We want that person to create a life together with. We want companionship, someone to hold our hand in the times that are tough and to laugh with us when life is good. We want someone to go to sleep with every night and to wake up to every morning. We want someone to grow old with, who will be there once the kids do move away. Basically, we want that dream back that we let go of when, through divorce, we severed the toxicity that was overtaking our vitality. And more than our own needs, I truly believe it’s vital for a kid to see their parent taking care of their own needs while they are taking care of the kid.  After all, wouldn’t we want the same for our children?  We are still our children’s role models, and taking care of ourselves is just one of many lessons we can offer our kids.

Note:  With that said, a parent shouldn’t introduce a date until they are sure that this person has a future with them. That means that first, second, tenth dates should happen away from the house. The biggest reason for this, besides getting to know the person well enough to ensure they aren’t a child molester, is to avoid your child growing attached to this person only to force them to say goodbye. A child’s heart is not a revolving door.  End note.

Finally, post-divorce relationships, and sometimes, eventually, second marriages, can be a godsend to children of divorce. They have the opportunity (hopefully) to witness what a healthy relationship looks like. And they have something to model their own future relationships after. This is one of my joys with Mr. W – my kids get to see what a loving relationship looks like. Not only that, here is this man who has accepted my children, and loves them for who they are. He is not their father – they already have a dad. But when they enter his home, they are treated no differently than his own son. We are still two separate families. We are still families that are restructuring our lives after divorce. But we are now cautiously including each other’s families in that plan.

So, I’m sorry to disappoint this dear poster who is insistent that my family is going down the drain because of my divorce and my insistence to carry on a relationship with a wonderful man (going on 2 years come September!). My more educated opinion to my life is that we’re only getting better every single day.

Conquering the divided front

I was shopping a few weeks back when a commotion took my attention from what I was doing and towards the sound. A mother was struggling with her tantrumming child. It was hard to decipher who was having the bigger tantrum between the two. No judgment from me – I have all too often known what it’s like to console a cranky child when they are inconsolable. But then she ordered her husband to take the child, then what he needed to do with the child. And her tone was less than that of a wife and more like that of a mother to her husband.

Marriage is a union of two equal partners.

From the scene I witnessed, I saw two faults being committed. One was a husband who had tuned out the unfolding scene of his wife and son who were going downhill fast in a chaotic battle. And the other was a wife who had forgotten how to ask for help from the person that she loves the most.

Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon practice. When kids enter the marriage, the whole dynamics of that marriage partnership change. Suddenly there are these little beings that tie up all of our time and attention, and it is too easy to forget about the routine that was in place before kids came into the picture. Remember when your spouse was the biggest person in your life? Remember when you would do anything for them, and make any kind of time from them?

Remember when you heard them? I mean, really heard them?

The romance in marriage doesn’t have to end when kids come into the picture. In fact, that’s when it is needed the most. Kind words, spontaneous gestures of love, a stolen kiss now and then, a phone call just to let them know you are thinking of them… All these things and more are necessary to ensure that the love that brought the two of you together is still there even when you are too tired to even form a complete sentence. And most important of all is thinking of your spouse so highly that you wouldn’t dare to disparage him in front of public eyes or completely overlook her need for some assistance.

I think it was described accurately in the book, Make Love Whenever Possible When Married with Children, by Leslie Kaplan and Peg Melnik:

“I made a mistake early on in our marriage when I decided that since my husband is a big person, he could fend for himself. I made my daughter my first priority and focused on her needs.
“Now I see that this thinking is flawed. It’s not a question of priorities. It’s a question of energy. A paradigm shift in parenting comes when a person realizes that families run on energy, not priorities. If you put all your energy into your children, you won’t have the energy reserves for your spouse, no matter how deeply you care for him/her.
“So if you have a policy of “Children First” at your house, you should rethink it. When parents are too devoted to their kids, a space can grow between couples, and if unattended, it can become a chasm.”

So reclaim that love that you had with your spouse before the kids came barreling into your lives. Raise them together as a united front. Ensure that your marriage is the foundation that holds your family together. Make it a point to really see your wife. Ensure that you speak to your husband with care as the man that you created these children with. And know that life will be easier to handle when the harder battles come along from testing children, that your children will have a positive example to model their own future relationships by, and that your mate will still be your best friend long after the kids are grown and creating families of their own.