Tag Archives: swimming

Swimsuit Hell

The other day I had an hour to kill, so I thought I’d try on swimsuits for fun. I headed out to Macy’s and perused the aisles of little tiny pieces of cloth meant to cover just the barest essentials. And then I locked myself in the dressing room and stripped to my skivvies. One by one I tried them on.

Now, I only tried on 3 suits. But trying on 3 suits can take a long time as you twist and turn, seeing parts of your body that you normally aren’t that aware of. Not to mention the conversations that result…

Mirror: Ok, how about this one? It’s a pretty red, your favorite!

Me: Um, I better not. It makes me look like I haven’t seen the sun in, um, never.

Mirror: Come on, you’re not that white.

Me: Seriously, I think I might injure someone if I wore this one. I can’t be held responsible for that. Let’s try another.

Mirror: Ok, then try the blue one. That color is usually kind on pasty skin.

Me: What are you saying? Are you calling me pale?

Mirror: But you said… You know what, nevermind. Just try the blue one on.

Me: Uh, how does this one go on? Does this strap tie around my back? Or do I tie it around my neck?

Mirror: I think it’s supposed to connect to the bottoms to hold them up. You’re going to have to groom really, really well if you wear those ones.

Me: I think I better pass on this one. I have to wear it around my children.

Mirror: Good idea.

Me: Thanks a lot.

Mirror: Anytime. Last one’s the black one. You can’t go wrong with black. Black is sexy and sleek, not to mention slimming.

Me: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Um… Are the girls supposed to be hanging out the sides like that?

Mirror: I can’t tell. I’m too distracted by how much of your ass is showing. Are you sure that’s not a thong?

Me: Let me check… No, it says it has full coverage.

Mirror: Perhaps you should get a larger size.

Me: But this was the largest size they had! Come on, it’s not that bad.

Mirror: Trust me. It is. I didn’t even know that your ass was that big. Perhaps you should try on a wetsuit.

Try on swimsuits for fun? Honestly, it really sounded like a good idea at the time. I’m in need of a new swimsuit, and the stores have been displaying some really cute ones on the front racks of all their clothes. But was I really that delusional that this was something that would be fun? I placed all the swimsuits back on the rack and swore to lose another 5 pounds before re-attempting this kind of punishment. Maybe, by then, the mirror and I will be on speaking terms again.

Anyone else brave enough to already be trying on swimsuits?  How’d it go?