Swimsuit Hell

The other day I had an hour to kill, so I thought I’d try on swimsuits for fun. I headed out to Macy’s and perused the aisles of little tiny pieces of cloth meant to cover just the barest essentials. And then I locked myself in the dressing room and stripped to my skivvies. One by one I tried them on.

Now, I only tried on 3 suits. But trying on 3 suits can take a long time as you twist and turn, seeing parts of your body that you normally aren’t that aware of. Not to mention the conversations that result…

Mirror: Ok, how about this one? It’s a pretty red, your favorite!

Me: Um, I better not. It makes me look like I haven’t seen the sun in, um, never.

Mirror: Come on, you’re not that white.

Me: Seriously, I think I might injure someone if I wore this one. I can’t be held responsible for that. Let’s try another.

Mirror: Ok, then try the blue one. That color is usually kind on pasty skin.

Me: What are you saying? Are you calling me pale?

Mirror: But you said… You know what, nevermind. Just try the blue one on.

Me: Uh, how does this one go on? Does this strap tie around my back? Or do I tie it around my neck?

Mirror: I think it’s supposed to connect to the bottoms to hold them up. You’re going to have to groom really, really well if you wear those ones.

Me: I think I better pass on this one. I have to wear it around my children.

Mirror: Good idea.

Me: Thanks a lot.

Mirror: Anytime. Last one’s the black one. You can’t go wrong with black. Black is sexy and sleek, not to mention slimming.

Me: I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. Um… Are the girls supposed to be hanging out the sides like that?

Mirror: I can’t tell. I’m too distracted by how much of your ass is showing. Are you sure that’s not a thong?

Me: Let me check… No, it says it has full coverage.

Mirror: Perhaps you should get a larger size.

Me: But this was the largest size they had! Come on, it’s not that bad.

Mirror: Trust me. It is. I didn’t even know that your ass was that big. Perhaps you should try on a wetsuit.

Try on swimsuits for fun? Honestly, it really sounded like a good idea at the time. I’m in need of a new swimsuit, and the stores have been displaying some really cute ones on the front racks of all their clothes. But was I really that delusional that this was something that would be fun? I placed all the swimsuits back on the rack and swore to lose another 5 pounds before re-attempting this kind of punishment. Maybe, by then, the mirror and I will be on speaking terms again.

Anyone else brave enough to already be trying on swimsuits?  How’d it go?


7 thoughts on “Swimsuit Hell

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  1. After losing the 30 pounds and being in a size 4 pants, I too made the mistake of swimsuit shopping at the mall. Turns out, I needed to add a 0 onto that weight loss number in order to fit into any of them. Yes that makes it 300 pounds.

    Sorry summertime, I’ll see you 270 pounds later!

  2. Can I just add that they don’t even try to put flattering lighting in the dressing rooms. I mean, wouldn’t that be in their favor if you can’t see EVERY flippin’ flaw or dimple?

  3. Liz — TOTALLY! I have tried on swimsuits feeling my best, only to have harsh lighting show me cellulite and blotchy skin that I didn’t even know I had. Not to mention the circles under my eyes, my luster-less hair…
    Wearing the same suit later, in normal light, I usually discover that the stupid dressing room deceived me.

    On the other hand…swimsuit designers seem to have an ongoing vendetta with those who must wear them. Or perhaps they are trying to subtly tell us that unless our bodies are not only perfectly toned, but also naturally conform to above average standards of hotness, they don’t want to see us in swimsuits? Because I HAVE owned suits that look nice…are flattering even…so I know it can be done. But trying to actually find one in a store? Not likely.

  4. What I want to know is, why don’t swimsuits have a standard practice of possessing underwire, or some other sort of magic trick to hold the girls up? I mean, if bras do, and we wear them under our clothes, shouldn’t bathing suits also since they are showing off even more of our bodies? I mean, I’m not calling myself old or anything. But the girls don’t hold up on their own the way they used to…

  5. I have found that Victoria’s Secret has an amazing line of bathing suits…all mix-and-match with a wonderful variety of support (and coverage). I swear they sew a touch of magic into the material! Plus, I get to try them on in the safety of my own home so as to not cause injury to my fragile self-esteem.

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