I broke my Lent

Rule #1 when it comes to Lent promises: DO NOT BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW.

(CLICK HERE to get a recap on the millions of things I’m supposedly giving up for Lent)

You’d think I’d know this by know, what with all the broken New Year’s Resolutions I’ve created and then conveniently forgot. As far as I can tell, those 10 pounds I’ve wished away are still there. And judging by the softness in my belly, wishing them away is not going to help them vacate.

Neither are all those Paleo friendly nuts I’ve been eating.

At any rate, I wouldn’t say the whole Lent thing has been a bust. But at least half of my promises have vacated the building. However, since I believe we’re only supposed to fast from one huge thing, I still have some extra credit on board. And a little brown on my nose as well.

First the successes.

I have stuck to my Paleo diet, with only a few cheats that included corn and a Fortune Cookie I devoured when no one was looking. But beyond that, I have managed to keep away from all dairy and bread with no looking back. I have even managed to refuse, not one, but TWO Sift cupcakes (only the best kind of cupcakes there are) two days in a row. One of the days I was practically held down and force-fed the devilish treats until I raised my Lent shield and said I was fasting for 40 days. But I was still coerced into bringing some home for my kids. You guys, I didn’t even lick my fingers when icing got on them, I was so good. And I instantly went to weight myself when I got home, knowing that this kind of willpower would result in an immediate loss of 10 pounds. Unfortunately my scale didn’t know that, and I weighed the same as I did that morning. Good news though? In the almost 2 weeks that I’ve been faithful to this way of eating, I’ve lost 3 pounds, and my pants are starting to loosen up. Who knows, I might just be a Victoria’s Secret model when this is all over.

Second success, I have finished my bridesmaid flowers!

Aren't they gorgeous???

Well, they’re almost finished. Two are done, and I have one left to wrap up.  But we’re not counting that one. They are so gorgeous it’s disgusting, and I am going to have the prettiest flowers in all the land! Take that, live flowers that cost too much and start to wilt upon purchase. Now all I have left is my own bouquet, and I will officially be able to cross that off my list aaaaaaannnnndddd……

….edit my novel! (and then become rich and powerful from the royalties so I can buy my own island and crown myself queen.  The end.)

I also bought a really great wedding planning book that has encouraged me to be super obsessed with all things wedding. And I am now having a hard time conversing with anyone about anything unless it has to do with my wedding. So naturally, everyone else has gotten really boring.

Now for the things I was giving up that I gave up.

My phone is super intelligent. And Facebook is still as lame as always. I know, I’ve checked it at least 10 times in the last hour. From my phone.

I may have told my son to “shove off” yesterday when I got mad at him. Except, I didn’t use the word “shove”. Strike two for using my pirate voice instead of my inside voice.

And the praying department? Not so bad. Not so good, but not so bad. But I may have been able to have a bit more success with the top things had I just prayed a little instead of giving up because it was too hard.

However, I’m learning some things through this whole process of Lent.

First, I learned just how many food addictions I have. I mean it, I’m obsessed! It’s getting better since I’ve managed to stick to this and not eat the foods that cause me to spiral downward. But if someone were to put a box of chocolates in front of me, I’d probably make out with it. I know exactly what it would taste like to devour a whole box of cookies, and my willpower is hanging by a thread. The only thing that holds me down is knowing that if I invite even one cheat into my mouth, they will invite all their friends, have an all night orgy, forget to use protection, have a million fat cell babies, end up on my thighs, and then make me blow ass the rest of the day because I’ll have gone into shock from all that sugar sex they were having.

Second, I am a rockstar at planning my wedding when it comes to folding little tiny flowers and gluing them together. The dress thing however? It’s scaring the bejeezus out of me. I mean, first I was going to go wholesale, because I can’t imagine spending so much money on one article of clothing that will only see the light of day once in its whole existence before I put it in a box for my daughter to wrinkle her nose at when I suggest it is coming back into fashion around her own wedding day. But what if wholesale means they are sending me a dress made out of bed sheets that would fit me perfectly assuming I was a fire hydrant? But then the bridal shops are about 5 times the amount of what wholesale costs. And then alterations? A friend of mine told me today that her alterations cost as much as her dress. That’s a lot of money! And what if I gain or lose weight? I have to get it altered. Again. And what if I hate the dress I picked out as the wedding date gets closer? And I haven’t even gotten to the part where I haven’t tried any dresses on because I’m scared to go in and try on dresses.  Basically, I just want it to look totally perfect and cost next to nothing.  Is that too much to ask?

On the other hand, I’ve been watching a lot of “Say Yes to the Dress”, so I think that counts for something.

Third, I’m using my iPhone less.

Ok, just kidding. However, telling the truth isn’t part of my Lent promises, so we’re all good here.

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