Hap, hap, happiest Christmas

“This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny **** Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!”

10 invisible, made-up points if you can name the movie.

Christmas is only 3 days away.  Three.  That means 72 hours of back-breaking work to make it the best day possible for those kids who will tear through it in a half hour flat. 

Are you ready?

You can’t escape the countdown towards Christmas as the final preparations are made for the hap-hap-happiest day of the year. There’s so much to do, so little time to do it in, but dagnabbit, we’re going practically kill ourselves over every last minute detail to ensure every one of you has a holly, jolly Christmas.

So sit down, shut up, and enjoy your fruitcake.

Truth is, I’ve been doing my best to escape the Christmas stressed-out blues.  I’ve been taking each day one at a time, crossing items off the list in my mind as I prepare for the big day. And even though it has been tempting to revisit that list – buy my kids something else for under the tree, add more lights and ornaments outside to give it a festive look, add another cookie recipe to my already long list of cookies I’m baking – I have refrained. And I am refusing to kill myself over one day out of the year to impress everyone out there who will be already overwhelmed by everyone else who is trying to do the same thing.

Is it really worth it? I think not. But a phone call with my mom added a new feeling towards the end of the year melee.

“I just can’t get into the spirit this year,” she told me as she gave me a frantic rundown of all she needs to do before the big day. And together, we worked through her list to ease her mind and help her see that it was all going to happen in the right amount of time. And as we got to the part of the dinner I was creating and all the ingredients I had bought for it, it was decided that my recipe wasn’t going to do and she would just buy different ingredients and we could make it at her house on Christmas day. So lightening the load failed a bit. Truth is, I had to remind her a little that there were other pairs of hands there to help out, and that would be helping to bring Christmas dinner to the table. And the background of her stress was that she felt helpless in this, that she thought she should be doing more – that giving others the task of prepping the food was throwing her for a loop and she didn’t quite know what to do with herself.

“I should bake another dessert, right? Perhaps we need a ham to go with the Prime Rib? What else should I make?”

When you’ve spent every year putting together the party of the year, is it really possible to sit back and let everyone else help out without feeling a little lost, and even a bit stressed out? And I couldn’t help but absorb the feelings a bit in my own Christmas prep, the stress hanging out like a 10 pound candied cherry fruitcake hanging like an ornament from the top of my head and resting on my shoulders as it called out everything I need to still do.

You still have presents to wrap, you ninny. Think they’re going to wrap themselves? And those cookies, whose going to eat them? You? Because your ass isn’t exactly getting any smaller. Besides, you forgot to bake the best ones, and I’m not telling you which ones they are. And those ones you did bake? You used the wrong recipe. Sorry, I’m just saying. Oh, did I mention that there are only 3 days left till Christmas and you STILL haven’t taken the kids to see any Christmas lights? I believe that is an automatic FAIL in parenting. Everyone knows that. Oh, and think your kids are going to enjoy seeing mostly clothes under the Christmas tree? Yeah, that’s what they ask Santa for every year – a new pair of SOCKS. Oh, and good luck writing that annual Christmas story that everyone politely sits through every year. You haven’t started it yet? Big surprise. By the way, YOU SUCK.

Seriously, where did that come from?

3 more days…..

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9 thoughts on “Hap, hap, happiest Christmas”

  1. We are all there with you sister! I have gone for YEARS not getting the “annual” drive to see Christmas lights accomplished. Just remember what Christmas was like when you were a kid, full of mind-blowing excitement and anticipation, and relax, they really really don’t care if you add yet another string of lights to that “10 pound candied cherry fruitcake”

  2. I didn’t say your recipe was wrong, I said seven potatoes weren’t going to make it with 27 people. Actually, bring the bacon and the Swiss cheese. Let’s have some ass kicking fun with the recipe.

  3. They’re really big potatoes! And, as I remember it, you weren’t too thrilled about the recipe (truth is, neither was I). Sorry to be an ass to mention your control frea-, I mean, dedicated and impressive attention to details.

  4. Party on, folks! Remember it is NOT the gift that counts but the thought. My recent favorite gift was a teacup a friend found at Goodwill.

    And for goodness sakes, get the list together and make those calls to ask what to get BEFORE you get in your car!

    Friends and family!

  5. I hope your holidays are getting less stressful (and that you are not given a ‘Jelly of the Month Club’ membership in lieu of a bonus, no matter if it IS the gift that keeps on giving…) and I know that you and your awesome, huge family are the LAST to forget that Christmas is about being together and not the swag. Though that is nice too.

    I understand what you are going through, though. Since I was 15 or 16 I have been my house’s provider of Christmas cheer — my mom was usually working and my dad was a grinch, so as an only child, once I finally wheedled a tree into the house, decorating, baking and so on were generally all on me if I wanted them done. In recent years, impoverished student status has meant that the bf and I rarely exchange gifts, even if we have to buy for everyone else…but in my experience, the Christmas spirit finds a way to sneak in, even if it doesn’t show up until Christmas eve night, when everything that can be done finally is and you sit down with a cup of tea and an exhausted sigh, and turn on the tv to find that your favorite holiday special is playing, or you try to go to sleep and discover that despite being worn out, you are finding it hard to drift off, just like when you were a kid.

    Also, as you well know, your annual Christmas story is one of the awesome parts of the holiday that I miss every year I don’t get to glom on to your family’s celebration.

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