“This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here! We’re gonna press on, and we’re gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny **** Kaye! And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse!”
10 invisible, made-up points if you can name the movie.
Christmas is only 3 days away. Three. That means 72 hours of back-breaking work to make it the best day possible for those kids who will tear through it in a half hour flat.
Are you ready?
You can’t escape the countdown towards Christmas as the final preparations are made for the hap-hap-happiest day of the year. There’s so much to do, so little time to do it in, but dagnabbit, we’re going practically kill ourselves over every last minute detail to ensure every one of you has a holly, jolly Christmas.
So sit down, shut up, and enjoy your fruitcake.
Truth is, I’ve been doing my best to escape the Christmas stressed-out blues. I’ve been taking each day one at a time, crossing items off the list in my mind as I prepare for the big day. And even though it has been tempting to revisit that list – buy my kids something else for under the tree, add more lights and ornaments outside to give it a festive look, add another cookie recipe to my already long list of cookies I’m baking – I have refrained. And I am refusing to kill myself over one day out of the year to impress everyone out there who will be already overwhelmed by everyone else who is trying to do the same thing.
Is it really worth it? I think not. But a phone call with my mom added a new feeling towards the end of the year melee.
“I just can’t get into the spirit this year,” she told me as she gave me a frantic rundown of all she needs to do before the big day. And together, we worked through her list to ease her mind and help her see that it was all going to happen in the right amount of time. And as we got to the part of the dinner I was creating and all the ingredients I had bought for it, it was decided that my recipe wasn’t going to do and she would just buy different ingredients and we could make it at her house on Christmas day. So lightening the load failed a bit. Truth is, I had to remind her a little that there were other pairs of hands there to help out, and that would be helping to bring Christmas dinner to the table. And the background of her stress was that she felt helpless in this, that she thought she should be doing more – that giving others the task of prepping the food was throwing her for a loop and she didn’t quite know what to do with herself.
“I should bake another dessert, right? Perhaps we need a ham to go with the Prime Rib? What else should I make?”
When you’ve spent every year putting together the party of the year, is it really possible to sit back and let everyone else help out without feeling a little lost, and even a bit stressed out? And I couldn’t help but absorb the feelings a bit in my own Christmas prep, the stress hanging out like a 10 pound candied cherry fruitcake hanging like an ornament from the top of my head and resting on my shoulders as it called out everything I need to still do.
You still have presents to wrap, you ninny. Think they’re going to wrap themselves? And those cookies, whose going to eat them? You? Because your ass isn’t exactly getting any smaller. Besides, you forgot to bake the best ones, and I’m not telling you which ones they are. And those ones you did bake? You used the wrong recipe. Sorry, I’m just saying. Oh, did I mention that there are only 3 days left till Christmas and you STILL haven’t taken the kids to see any Christmas lights? I believe that is an automatic FAIL in parenting. Everyone knows that. Oh, and think your kids are going to enjoy seeing mostly clothes under the Christmas tree? Yeah, that’s what they ask Santa for every year – a new pair of SOCKS. Oh, and good luck writing that annual Christmas story that everyone politely sits through every year. You haven’t started it yet? Big surprise. By the way, YOU SUCK.
Seriously, where did that come from?
3 more days…..