“I don’t think I said or did anything wrong but I am curious to know why I feel like I am being ignored. How do I ask without sounding like a total idiot? One second everything is way cool, and now emails/text go unanswered….”
Sound familiar? This was the lament I heard from one of my friends recently, having been confused yet again by the gender that claims to be so simple, yet are, in actuality, highly perplexing. And it was a common lament I felt in my dating life before I was happily coupled with Mr. W. It is also a time that I swear I will never go through again. If (God forbid, and yes, we are doing just fine) something happens to my relationship with Mr. W, I am swearing off relationships altogether, getting myself a couple cats, wearing muumuus, and throwing out my razors.
I am through with the actual act of dating.
The biggest reason dating sucked were the games. Things would be awesome in the beginning. We’d be spending time together, getting to know each other through dates, phone calls, emails, and the like. In the beginning I was inundated with their contact. But I didn’t mind. After all, I dug him. And all this newness was incredibly exciting. In those first few weeks, we both were totally revolving our worlds around each other as we figured out if we just liked each other, like-liked each other, or if there was a possibility for love to eventually enter the picture.
And then, all of a sudden, communication stops.
There is nothing out there that will entice a little dating mental illness more than a mutually smitten relationship suddenly becoming very one sided. He stops calling. I text to see what’s up. No answer. I keep phone near me at all times in case he does text. Still nothing. Next day I send a lighthearted, witty remark like “What, you got run over by a car? Call me, goof!”. Nothing. I worry that he may actually have gotten run over by a car. I check the police report. Phew, no car accidents anywhere close to where he might be driving. Put the phone down and go do something to keep my mind off the lack of conversation. Rush to it two hours later to see if there are any missed calls. Only one, but not him. I mentally promise to call that person later. Check the computer to see if he’s signed on to Facebook. Nothing. Oh wait, something! He’s alive! That jackass, he’s alive and not calling me! What gives? Put a witty little comment on his Facebook page, just to say hi. In fact, that’s what I write. “Hey there, just saying hi!” Hope it doesn’t sound too desperate. Does it? Oh jeez, I have texted him twice and then left him a Facebook message in 48 hours time. He’s going to think I’m a stalker. Erase message. Continue to go back and forth over it. Realize that we used to text each other 20 or more times a day, and leave multiple comments on each other Facebook pages. One little FB message isn’t too much. Put the comment back on his page. Realize that he just got emailed twice with the same message from his FB profile, making it painfully obvious that I just second-guessed myself on his FB page. Call up a friend and make them drop everything they are doing to look at his page and reassure me that I’m not a stalker. Am told by friend I’m not a stalker. Ask friend to now drive by his house and check to see if he’s there, or at least call him to see if he’ll answer but hang up as soon as he picks up the phone. Phone conversation is suddenly interrupted by dial tone…
BTW, if you’re reading this Mr. W, I have no idea who this neurotic “I” person is.
Truth is, if it doesn’t feel wonderful, it’s not meant to be. If a guy, who once took the time out of his day to touch bases with you in some way or another, is suddenly too busy to contact you, he’s not interested. If he doesn’t answer your texts, he’s not interested. If he’s not jumping at the chance for a commitment with you, HE’S NOT INTERESTED. But instead of just telling you this so you no longer waste your time on him, he instead says NOTHING, hoping that you’ll just go away so he won’t have to hurt your feelings. And as a result, your feelings are hurt even more as you wonder what’s wrong with him, what’s wrong with you, and feeling a little out of control while you try to sort out what just happened in this whirlwind of a dating tempest.
How to deal when the guy you like suddenly disappears from the face of the planet? Stop calling him. Stop texting him. Stop checking his Facebook or doing anything that is centered around him, and busy yourself with other interests to keep yourself from getting lonely….and feeling neurotic. Just stop all communication with him until he contacts you. If he doesn’t, he isn’t interested. I know….you don’t want to hear that, but it’s something I wish I had paid attention to more when I was dating. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and embarassment.
Anyone else hate dating? Or do you have positive dating stories to share?
Ugh. I HATED dating. I’m way too socially awkward and neurotic to have it be an enjoyable experience. You know what one of the worst things was? First food date. I have horrible food issues and hate eating in front of people if I’m not comfortable around them, and a first or first-ish date is a time when I am NOT comfortable. And a first/firsthish almost always means somewhere with really yummy food that I WANT to enjoy…but instead I usually end up getting less than five forkfulls to my mouth and spend the rest of the time babbling inanely.
OMG, food dates SUCK! I was always too worried about anything stuck in my teeth, whether something would give me gas, if it was too messy of a dish for me to appear dainty and carefree…. And, of course, most beginning dates are centered around food. What if I’m too interested in eating to want to talk? What if I talk too much, taking away from the eating experience? Maybe first dates should only occur in coffee shops, where talking is pretty much an accepted form of enjoyment – plus caffiene helps with that process.
Sigh, I have been living every word of this article for the past 2 years now.
Date after date, guy after guy, things are grand, great conversation and then WHAM! Nothing; dead air. I still to this day have no idea what happened with any of them. I get it, fully understood from the moment I stop receiving calls and cute messages from them; they are not interested. But what happened? What changed? Why? I wish I knew so I could not repeat this over and over again. If I dont know why, then I cant do anything to make things go better.
My new years resolution, to save my self from headache, heartache and mental bashing about how I could be better or what I could have done is: When I realize this is happening, rather than cyber obsessing over them and sending cute innocent feeling text messages, I delete them from my phone and my facebook page or any other form of contact. If they don’t want to talk to me and cant be courteous enough to not be an ass by giving the silent treatment, then they don’t deserve to be on my page or listed in my phone.
It is not easy to tell someone that you are just not interested and lets just be friends. But ya know, I suck it up when I meet a guy im not into, I tell him that its not going to work for me. Its polite and the right thing to do. I wish that guys would just “grow a pair” and admit how they feel, be honest when things aren’t working out. It saves everyone hurt feelings, confusion, and being “stalked”.
Cheers to a new year and better dates.
Oh and as far as food dates go, I don’t even go there until things are established, food and movies make for horrible “get to know you” dates. Drinks, coffee, ice cream, walk in the park, great 🙂
Believe it or not, women do exactly the same thing. I met several women and we seem to hit it off, couple of good dates, nothing goes wrong, then *BAM* she disappears. No returns to phone calls, nothing.
I usually took the hint and went for a good one and that had a couple of drinks afterwards (yes, I know, odd combination). But it’s not just guys who do this.
I didn’t know women did this. I mean, sure, some women surely do this. But for the most part, I always thought of us as the more obsessive gender – not willing to just let someone go without a fight. At any rate, it’s rude on all counts.
Dating is an adventure.