Why let kids have all the fun? Here are some bedtime stories to tuck you in at night. But you may want to keep them on the top shelf when you’re done.
1. If You Give a Kid a Cookie, Will He Shut the F–K Up?, by Marcy Roznick
The kid spent all night screaming, then they want breakfast, and then they’re all “hug me Daddy!” Can’t they see the game is on? Give that kid a cookie and shut them the f**k up!
2. Go the F**k to Sleep, by Adam Mansbach
And then, of course, is our very favorite bedtime story and perfect companion to #1. If Junior is asking for another glass of water, bedcheck for monsters, and complaining that he’s hungry, maybe this will help him get the f**k to sleep.
3. The big coloring book of vaginas, by Morgan Hastings
Hey, guys get a cool name for their junk. The least we ladies should get is a coloring book. Full of big, beautiful, flowery images, you may even want to get out the glitter pens.
4. That’s not your mommy anymore: A Zombie Tale, by Matt Mogk
Mommy has been acting strange, and you swear her arm just fell off. If mom has fresh brain casserole on the mind, it’s probably a safe bet that isn’t mommy anymore.
5. Goodnight iPad, by Ann Droyd
“Goodnight remotes and Netflix streams, Androids, apps and glowing screens”….. This peaceful book allows you to say goodnight to all 150+ electronics you must play with before going to bed.
6. I hate everything., by Matthew DiBenedetti
Whimsical musings of pessimism, prettily decorated by drawings of unicorns and music notes. Your must-have companion to every Monday morning. You’re welcome.
7. I Hate Everyone., by Matthew DiBenedetti
You can’t really have a book about hating everything without a follow-up mentioning how much you hate everyone, right? This includes those annoying people sporting stick-figure families on their minivans, people who start long stories with “long story short”, and anyone who enjoys their job.
8. Why is Daddy in a Dress?, by Amanda McCall & Ben Schwartz
Have an awkward topic to bring up? Lighten the load by using cute, cuddly animals. If you’re wondering if last night’s date went into overtime but aren’t sure how to ask the sleeping body next to you, an adorable baby duckling can make the compromising question seem kind of sweet.
9. All my friends are dead., by Avery Monsen & Jory John
If you’re still lamenting the fact that dinosaurs have come and gone, you’ve killed yet another houseplant, your milk has expired long before you drank it all, and you just found out what “Fluffy went to live on the farm” meant, this feel-good book about dead things is just for you.
10. Raising the perfect child through guilt and manipulation, by Elizabeth Beckwith
And for all you new parents out there, this helpful guide will get you through the childraising years with the greatest of ease. After all, why should we do it any different than our own mothers?