Lucky.

Mr. W and Frizz left on a very expensive plane ride this morning to get to D’s funeral in Burbank this afternoon. How much does a plane ride cost when bought two days beforehand? $400. Each.

Thank goodness for credit cards.

I stayed home, mostly because we just can’t afford to buy that many tickets to go, partly because it’s best if an adult can stay here with the kids, and also because I felt Mr. W needed this time to be there with his friend on his own.

Note: I’m purposely not using D’s real name or his family member’s names because I don’t want to end up as a source of information on this case in Google searches. But if you do a search of a 4-year-old autistic boy murdered by his mother in southern Cali, I’m sure you’ll come up with a ton of information on the case.

The latest is that D’s mother is being held on $10 million dollars bail. I’ve never heard of a bail being set that high for a case like this. But they are afraid that if she were to post bail, she’d jump ship and hide out in Mexico. They also have her on suicide watch. D’s mom pled “not guilty” at her court appearance on April 4th, even though it has been documented that she admitted her part in the killing to the officers on duty when she brought D’s body to the station on March 31st. She had told the sheriff that she didn’t believe her son could have a life or future without her, so she decided to kill him.

D’s father is a wreck. He couldn’t even go to his wife’s arraignment. I don’t know much more than that. I have no idea what’s going on in his head, how he feels about his wife, how he’s coping. I just know he’s a mess, but still responsible for picking up the pieces.

I tried to think about what I would do had this happened to my child. I mentioned in my last post that I felt compassion towards D’s mother. I still do. But what if I had lost my child in such a horrible way? Would I have compassion for the person that cared for my child every moment of the day, giving all their energy towards my child, but then taking my child’s life in a moment of insanity?

No, I would not. I wouldn’t even be able to remember all those other times of that person being a good parent because they had stolen a life that should have gone on living.

How do you live your life when your child has been ripped from your reality? When the one little being that depends on you to survive has been killed, how do you even go on? When your identity is wrapped up in being a parent and then your only child dies, what happens to the person you are?

If I were D’s father, I would waste no good thoughts on the murderer of my child.

Mr. W comes home tonight in his whirlwind trip to visit and support his friend. I can only imagine the emotional storm he’ll have gone through in this. I feel so distant from all this – safe in my little cocoon away from murder, heartache, and pain. My kids are healthy and safe. We have a good support system in our house. My biggest worry is adhering to a busy schedule.  I feel guilty to be surrounded by so much that I take for granted while a father is forced to live the rest of his days without his child.

We’re really lucky, you know.